Pregnancy BLues

My life has its up side down, I don't know where to start whenever I wanted to talk about life. But I know, I just got to do it to have a quiet and peaceful mind. I'm going wild and crazy, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is so hard to define what I feel in one word, but I will try. I'm going to use the word "ambivalent" which is a medical term for emotional hype of a pregnant woman. I feel contented, I am looking forward to what is in store for me next year, I am excited for the 2nd baby on the way, but, but, I am worried, anxious, scared. Even so, I am exhausted, restless, tired. So many responsibilities, so many errands that needs to be done. There is so much in my plate and I don' t know what to do first. I am suffocated by my mind running wild 24/7.

As I type this post, I feel all the physical discomfort of my pregnancy. Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, heartburn/acid reflux, back-pain. These physical discomfort have been leading me to depression sometimes. Feeling all the discomforts while doing all the house hold chores, and working in the office is one hell of a ride. And when people say "its okay", its a normal phase of pregnancy", you will get through it soon" I just really want to punch them in the face. Like yeah, let's see if its okay, and if its normal and if you can patiently wait while painfully experiencing all these and you cannot even exempt yourself from your responsibilities as a wife, a mother and a worker.

I become very anti social. People around me just irritates me so much! All I want is my husband and my daughter.

I need more strength and patience to endure all these discomforts. I hope I can survive another month with all these symptoms. And I really do hope it will be done by 2nd trimester because I cannot take it anymore :(

I Got Works To Do Just Yet

"So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come." -PSALM 71:18

What are the things that I want to do and accomplish before my life will be taken away...
1. Teach children ages 3-6 years old
2. Be a fulltime mom and wife
3. Be tessa's hands on teacher in her studies
4. Have our own home
5. Get a job in my desired salary, and hopefully near our home lest the number 2 won't work for me
6. See my baby girl and maybe future babies graduate and start their own family and career lives
7. Be a good supporter of my husband's dreams for his career
8. Be a fulltime digital writer about life as a woman
9. Be an advocate of importance of education to children
10. Be a God's agent of wisdom

I don't know if these aligns God's purpose for me to fullfill. I don't know if all these are the things that God designed me to be. I am the kind of person who get upset and dissapointed when it doesn't go my way. I am very well sure God knows what I'm talking about. But knowing the God of holiness, of power, of authority, a God who saves, a God who gives grace, I know that whatever his will in my life, whether it makes me happy or it will be a cause of discomfort, I will trust the Lord to fullfill his purpose in my life because thats the only time I can say to myself, Lord, it is done. Your purpose, I fullfilled. I am ready to receive the eternal life with you. And only in that moment I will peacefully accept..my time has finished.

Reflections available from Thrive book by Darlene Sala et'al

The song Find us Faithful of Jon Mohr encourages us to be faithful for the sake of those who will follow after us.

Conversation with God from Thrive book by Darlene Sala et'al

What do you want me to do today Lord, to share Your greatness with someoje who is hurting? I'm listening...

Rest and Peace (R.A.P)

I made clear that its a R.A.P and not I in the middle

So as not to confuse the title.

I called off for work since yesterday because of certain reasons,  yep not just 1,2 but more. I woke up feeling so low, and my body aches. In the afternoon, around 1 pm, after I assisted my little tot in her bath, a sound of something (ugong) disrupted my ears, and I thought it was coming from the outside, I thought a big truck with a machinery or whatsoever that makes an ugong sound parked nearby. But upon checking, there were no trucks nor anything that was making a weird noise until I realized, it was coming from inside my ear. I ignored it and just continued doing errands. But after I took a shower, I felt that my head was starting to feel heavy, I thought my migraine would attack so I laid down on bed and slept beside my little tot. Upon waking up after an hour nap, the ugong becomes stronger, my left ear,head and face feels heavier and i felt the pain in my skull and I knew it, my mgraine attacked, and worst, I think I just had my first bout of vertigo. I couldn't stand, walk and sit up for long period. I was having a hard time keeping my balance, it felt, I would fall or faint anytime so I just laid down on bed, praying and wishing it would go away. Almost 2 hours of laying down and my symptoms gets stronger and I think I was starting to experience nervous breakdown because I was short of breath and my extremities were shaking. I texted my husband already and asked for assistance right away. He sent off his parents to check on me and my daughter.  I took my pain reliever meds and my mom in law massages my head down to my back and shoulder for almost an hour. Soon, the symptoms were starting to subside and my nervousness subsided as well. I didnt know what the heck happened to me. It was terrifying.

So I called off for work again today,though I am feeling better now, I don't want to compromise my situation as the ugong sound in my ears and difficulty keeping my balance are still present. Still laying down after I had my breakfast because just a bit of movement feels like Im gunna fall off the ground.

Being bed ridden gives me so much time to think, replay life, and analyse my life in general and in its particular. Since I wanted to take advantage of this time to do what I have been loving to do ever since, I browsed in my mini book shelf and tried to look for inspirational readings. But while trying to read it, I felt that God was trying to tell me to read something else, so I put down my book look at my bible app where there are also shared topics you can read depending on your daily mood,preference and need. I came across the topics about work, rest and peace..so it explains my blog post title.

Some of the passages and messages that took my attention are here, please scroll down:

You are at war with yourself. "Well I am."

You want something but you can't get it. "I guess we all have some guilty pleasures and desires."

Don't you know that to be friend with the world is to hate God? "Now that makes it more frigthening isn't it?"

Make your hearts pure, you who can't make up your minds. "Well I guess I really am not making up my mind in so many things. I don't think I'm alone with this dilemma of decision making."

God see what is in my heart. "So he knows I am happy but not feeling fullfilled. That I am content but not fully grasping what's in my heart.

Help me live in the way that is always right. "But you know, I'm so stubborn because when I hear him, I don't listen, when he seek for me, I hide when he wants talk to me, I blocked him with wordly distractions. You see? I am too tired to even grow relationship with him."

Work-life balance, one always prevails over another. "Why couldn't I agree more?"

In Jesus time there was no such thing as balance, only rythyms of work, rest and celebration. All centered in loving God and others. "So I wonder why people ages ago leaves hundreds of years old! I wish I have lived my life with my family on Jesus time!"

"Social pressure is also a blame here I suppose."

Rest and Repentance. "Oh! That's all I need this time!

God's approval of us is enough, how I wish this was easy and true to me." I struggle so much in pleasing everybody, from my parents, siblings, husband, daughter,friends, to bosses and colleagues.

If you are waiting for my inspirational parting words, well dear; I'm very sorry, I don't have that for this post right now. You see, I am struggling with my health, mental,emotional and spiritual wellness. I don't know what to do yet, or how to minimize what causes my frustrations and stresses. I am struggling to keep up with the demand of work from my professional as well as personal life. From always praying, devoting and keeping a daily journal of my life to just let the day unfold and take a rest when all demands are finished. Yet, I don't feel fullfilled. I feel stuck. I feel stagnant. I don't see progress. I know I'm still blessed among the rest, but being blessed is far different from being grateful. For anyone who will be able to read this because I guess I lose my readers many years ago already. Maybe you're a God sent to be a catalyst, or more likely my guardian angel to help me surpass this dilemma. I will keep on fighting, because you know, I'm a wife and a mother, their strength and motivation in life also comes from what they see in me. So imagine how hard I am keeping all these emotions to myself. Oh yes, you can call me "a great pretender". Trying to keep everything put together, but I myself is so close to collapsing. But don't worry, I am far from suicidal intentions..maybe just merely sad and tired in the cycle of life and I just really need to breathe out..but you know what's stopping me? BILLS!!! 

So get off that bed and keep grinding! As for me, I will savor this moment before I go back zombie again to my usual, daily grind. Yeah we are zombies trying to make life by working hard that will soon kill us just to pay bills. My goodness this post sounds like I am some kind of a cult. 😄

Will make it up to you guys. I guess my estrogen level is at its cray cray level right now. Lets blame the hormones shall we? 

I wish and pray that we all find the way to fullfillness by seeking God first in all that we do. And as for me, I will walk the talk.. .please let us help each other up!