Rest and Peace (R.A.P)

I made clear that its a R.A.P and not I in the middle
So as not to confuse the title.

I called off for work since yesterday because of certain reasons,  yep not just 1,2 but more. I woke up feeling so low, and my body aches. In the afternoon, around 1 pm, after I assisted my little tot in her bath, a sound of something (ugong) disrupted my ears, and I thought it was coming from the outside, I thought a big truck with a machinery or whatsoever that makes an ugong sound parked nearby. But upon checking, there were no trucks nor anything that was making a weird noise until I realized, it was coming from inside my ear. I ignored it and just continued doing errands. But after I took a shower, I felt that my head was starting to feel heavy, I thought my migraine would attack so I laid down on bed and slept beside my little tot. Upon waking up after an hour nap, the ugong becomes stronger, my left ear,head and face feels heavier and i felt the pain in my skull and I knew it, my mgraine attacked, and worst, I think I just had my first bout of vertigo. I couldn't stand, walk and sit up for long period. I was having a hard time keeping my balance, it felt, I would fall or faint anytime so I just laid down on bed, praying and wishing it would go away. Almost 2 hours of laying down and my symptoms gets stronger and I think I was starting to experience nervous breakdown because I was short of breath and my extremities were shaking. I texted my husband already and asked for assistance right away. He sent off his parents to check on me and my daughter.  I took my pain reliever meds and my mom in law massages my head down to my back and shoulder for almost an hour. Soon, the symptoms were starting to subside and my nervousness subsided as well. I didnt know what the heck happened to me. It was terrifying.

So I called off for work again today,though I am feeling better now, I don't want to compromise my situation as the ugong sound in my ears and difficulty keeping my balance are still present. Still laying down after I had my breakfast because just a bit of movement feels like Im gunna fall off the ground.

Being bed ridden gives me so much time to think, replay life, and analyse my life in general and in its particular. Since I wanted to take advantage of this time to do what I have been loving to do ever since, I browsed in my mini book shelf and tried to look for inspirational readings. But while trying to read it, I felt that God was trying to tell me to read something else, so I put down my book look at my bible app where there are also shared topics you can read depending on your daily mood,preference and need. I came across the topics about work, rest and peace..so it explains my blog post title.

Some of the passages and messages that took my attention are here, please scroll down:
You are at war with yourself. "Well I am."
You want something but you can't get it. "I guess we all have some guilty pleasures and desires."
Don't you know that to be friend with the world is to hate God? "Now that makes it more frigthening isn't it?"

Make your hearts pure, you who can't make up your minds. "Well I guess I really am not making up my mind in so many things. I don't think I'm alone with this dilemma of decision making."

God see what is in my heart. "So he knows I am happy but not feeling fullfilled. That I am content but not fully grasping what's in my heart.
Help me live in the way that is always right. "But you know, I'm so stubborn because when I hear him, I don't listen, when he seek for me, I hide when he wants talk to me, I blocked him with wordly distractions. You see? I am too tired to even grow relationship with him."

Work-life balance, one always prevails over another. "Why couldn't I agree more?"
In Jesus time there was no such thing as balance, only rythyms of work, rest and celebration. All centered in loving God and others. "So I wonder why people ages ago leaves hundreds of years old! I wish I have lived my life with my family on Jesus time!"

"Social pressure is also a blame here I suppose."
Rest and Repentance. "Oh! That's all I need this time!
God's approval of us is enough, how I wish this was easy and true to me." I struggle so much in pleasing everybody, from my parents, siblings, husband, daughter,friends, to bosses and colleagues.

If you are waiting for my inspirational parting words, well dear; I'm very sorry, I don't have that for this post right now. You see, I am struggling with my health, mental,emotional and spiritual wellness. I don't know what to do yet, or how to minimize what causes my frustrations and stresses. I am struggling to keep up with the demand of work from my professional as well as personal life. From always praying, devoting and keeping a daily journal of my life to just let the day unfold and take a rest when all demands are finished. Yet, I don't feel fullfilled. I feel stuck. I feel stagnant. I don't see progress. I know I'm still blessed among the rest, but being blessed is far different from being grateful. For anyone who will be able to read this because I guess I lose my readers many years ago already. Maybe you're a God sent to be a catalyst, or more likely my guardian angel to help me surpass this dilemma. I will keep on fighting, because you know, I'm a wife and a mother, their strength and motivation in life also comes from what they see in me. So imagine how hard I am keeping all these emotions to myself. Oh yes, you can call me "a great pretender". Trying to keep everything put together, but I myself is so close to collapsing. But don't worry, I am far from suicidal intentions..maybe just merely sad and tired in the cycle of life and I just really need to breathe out..but you know what's stopping me? BILLS!!! 

So get off that bed and keep grinding! As for me, I will savor this moment before I go back zombie again to my usual, daily grind. Yeah we are zombies trying to make life by working hard that will soon kill us just to pay bills. My goodness this post sounds like I am some kind of a cult. 😄

Will make it up to you guys. I guess my estrogen level is at its cray cray level right now. Lets blame the hormones shall we? 

I wish and pray that we all find the way to fullfillness by seeking God first in all that we do. And as for me, I will walk the talk.. .please let us help each other up!


7 Reasons I Beat Monday Blues

I've been meaning to change this blog into something more motherly, such as, letters to my daughter, motherhood journey, wife, mom, career life, and etc. But never had anything done and had never been so consistent!

This time, I just want to go back in random blogging and have it posted randomly, without any schedules and maybe from there, a brand new idea will strike and it may be a start of something that is really meant for sharing!

I hope so! So for now, I will start with a thought in mind this morning.

As very usual for me, I woke up today at 5 in the morning and spent 30 minutes wide awake staring at a ceiling thinking, how dreadful Mondays are to me. I wish I could skip this day altogether, or how I wish Mondays are exempted from Morning grind and let corporate workers get by the office as flexible as they could get because it is.. . Monday! The most dreaded day to majority of us Filipino. As for a working mom like me, I hate Mondays because, I have this so called "separation anxiety" from my daughter which I thought would be gone by now as she turned 3 years old! But no, the  anxiety is still lingering nowadays and I'm really having a hard time fighting it specially during Monday.

That's why I did a "self talked" today on why I'm still doing this "working mom" thingy.

So here it goes, reasons I persist in my working career:

1. First is I do this for my little girl. Because I want to give her everything, not just enough. But all that I could give without compromising our finances.

2. I want to be a good example of persistence, perseverance, and hard work especially now that she will be enrolled to school this year. I want her to see how her mom and dad do it. We want her to have same things we could empathized with together. I don't want her to feel alone on her journey for a five long days of school, us at work. At least we could share this through evening conversation while having dinner! I want Tessa to see in me that there's more to life if she strives for it, that getting married, having children shouldn't be a hindrance from achieving so much! That she can be whatever she wants to become and that there is no one or nothing to stop her.

3. I want to hone her personality by doing rather than telling what and how to do it.

4. I want to help my husband build our dreams and plans together.

5. I want to help my parents (same with my husband's parents) when they grow old and decides to retire. Although I know they have their pensions and all. You can tell, I am really a "worrier" kind of person. I worry almost about everything! haha!

6. I want financial security and stability.

7. I want career and financial growth because I have bigger plans for my family's future!

I really wanted to list at least ten, but these were the only things I have thought so far before I left the house at 6 30 am!

I encourage women out there to also list down reasons on why you keep on doing what you do. We have to find purpose in whatever we do especially if it consume so much of our time and energy. Because if we do things without a purpose, our hardships wouldn't be worth it.

I hope your are having a good Monday relationship! :D


Boredom Strikes!

1. Is boredom can be linked to depression and demotivated individual?
2. Is boredom can be linked to euphoria and well motivated individual?

May be number one is "yes" for some, but "no" for others, and vice versa.
Well for me, it depends on the foundation of one self, in terms of emotional, psychological, and spiritual strengths of a person.
If a one person is use to feeling really low, upset, and gloomy most of the time, to the point that it becomes a habit to him, there is a big possibility that he would fall into number one kind of boredom.
If on the other hand a person is feeling grateful, praying, reflecting, happy, then he would probably fall into number two kind of boredom.

As for me. I think I am a manic one haha! Kidding aside, many years ago, I was in a number one kind of boredom. I perceived boredom as a threat to my inner peace. I linked boredom as a symptom of my depression, or a symptom that I think, my instinct was telling me that some thing wasn't right. It was more evident when I was in a relationship that made me very insecure. When boredom strikes, I would automatically think that my ex boyfriend would be doing something that he must not do when in a relationship. So what I would do was to go all the way from where I am at the moment it strikes to where he was. Imagined what a hassle that could be for me? Or there were times when I would get bored and then I would think of so many sad and bad things so that I would cry. Imagine how worst I was coping up with boredom. And then there was this transition year in my life, when I was already single, a lot have changed and I guess, one day I just woke up and realized, I am a different person already. I enjoy so much moments when I am bored because that gives me lots of opportunities to read, to explore my blog (by the way, I customized the design of this blog hehe), I watched lots of movies and series of shows. And then there were moments that I go shopping, or even worst stays home and just do my own tutorial make up in front of a mirror and take a lot of selfie afterwards. See? I was really a different person after a break up haha! It continued up to my marriage, but until I gave birth to Tessa, my lovely daughter. I go back to becoming a number one kind of boredom, because Tessa's health have been compromised for two years! And that made me really depressed, sad, a worry wart, and a lot more definition of negative emotions. When I'm alone, I would automatically feel worried, and would write in my diary how insecure I was, how I hate life and a lot more more pitiful kind of thought provoking sadness. And then now, Tessa will turn three years old and her health is more stable now,and all the three of us (my husband, me, and tessa) already have our health cards that makes security and peace of mind in terms of our health and wellness. But these past weeks, I am both. There are times I am number one kind of boredom because I worry about my career ladder, or of our finances and of our expenses. Then one day, I would be the number two kind of boredom, who would be so sipag to do house chores because I am happy, or I would read a lot, play, sing and dance a lot with my daughter, serve and be so kind to my husband (haha) and calls for a food delivery a lot when I am so happy with my boredom (my euhporic boredom is makingme fat) :D

If you would ask me, why it was like that. Why there are kinds people, like me to be precised, who for a split seconds, can change attitude depends on a certain situation. It seems that I have no consistent attitude, where I could say I am authentic because I cope up the same way with different situations.

Others may have it easy and could just use boredom without so many hassle. Yet there are people like me again, who it takes a lot of energy and effort to cope up with such thing (called boredom). But if I would be asked for my opinion. I guess, its just a part of life and it does not mean anything deeper, unless we stay in a number one kind of boredom for consistently many years, up to now. It is not bad to ask for help, like counselling or join a group that have the same issues being faced. Support system such as closed trusted friend, closed trusted family member, husband who understands and is patient, a loving, sweet child would really help a lot to cope up. The number two kind of boredom for me, needs less of help or assistance because they see opportunities in moments of boredom. So let them be bored hehe! For number one kind of boredom, my advise maybe is, let's avoid criticism, and misjudging them as a self pity, anti social ones. They need support the most. They may not tell it directly to their loved ones, but maybe they just don't trust themselves so much to think that people might not be very understanding of their situation. It's not that they mistrust people around them, its just that, they don't trust themselves enough to think that somebody out there could help them. They are less confident, so they really need someone to boost them emotionally, in a positive way. We can of course pray for these people that we know are experiencing such situations. Lend a helping hand, kamustahin from time to time so that they will gain confidence in themselves that someone out there are very willing to listen, to help, and to be there in their dark moments. Let's be more compassionate in dealing with these people, because they need it the most.

Are you willing to be a person who can transform lives? Who can inspire and enable people to adopt to thing whether it's good or bad? Are you will to impact these people's (the number one kind of boredom) lives?

Then now is the best time to be that person to someone. As in now :)

You must be compassionate, just as your father is compassionate. Luke 6:36

If we say we are his, we must follow the example of Christ. 1 John 2: 6
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