Monday of February 2021

Woke up this today at around 5 in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know what keeps me awake very early lately than usual. Maybe work? I usually wake up at around 6:30am-7:am but definitely, something changed in the course of maybe just a month that also changed my sleeping hour pattern. The usual one. And all I could think of was the project has already started that is taking so much of my mind nowadays. Add to that is my daughter's morning online class and a lot of time to accommodate her homework.

This has been my dream all along, to be with my family every step of the way. To witness what they do every single seconds of their lives, to be able to cook and eat with them breakfasts, lunches and dinners. I have dreamt of serving them by preparing them meals, cleaning up their mess, helping them cope up with their personal shortcomings. I wished and prayed so hard to God to let me have a work that could be done at home, and he did answer that, maybe not in the most desirable way but he gave this shot to me after all. 

But I think, along the way, I am blowing it all up. What I thought would make my life easier, what would make it better, happier and less stressful is to have it done my way. God gave me the taste of having it all the way I would have wanted it and now I'm here, still questioning why it seems to be so hard coping up in the days even if it takes place the way you have prayed it to be?

Today is Monday,  it is very early in the morning. It is still a quiet time, I don't have to rush to prepare heading to office. I don't have to get weary of the traffic jam, of long line in the terminal, I could sip my coffee in no rush, I could have my me time even though I was sleep deprived. I am sleepless today, but I have me time, I have slow time, I have peaceful time. I should be so happy and giddy and grateful. But I am not, I guess it has to do with my resentment with my job that has been there all along. It wasn't anymore the life itself. It is not about my boss, it is not because that I am not so good at it. It is not about not wanting every inch of these blessings that I have in front of me. It is about me not wanting where I am right now in my job. I want to breathe new opportunities, new colleagues. Or so I thought. 

Yeah, I thought I just didn't like my job, like I thought all the work from home stuff is not what I really wanted after all, like me not wanting to wake up very early in the morning to tend to my daughter's online class errands. Like me not wanting to stay longer hours taking care for my toddler. Like me not wanting my husband touch me or talk to me and gets very angry when he don't show interest in me anymore.

Yeah, I have what I have prayed for, but I am all the same mindset. I am all the same emotions. I am all the same ungrateful little rot! So maybe it just really have to be me admitting that what I really want is this:

1. That I could just choose between a career and being a housewife 

2. For my husband to level up at his career ladder and compensate even higher so that I could do the number one with bravery and without pang of guilt and worry and fear of the future

3. To be able to freely choose of what we really wanted for our lives as family

It may sound simple, but it isn't. I am tied with all these responsibilities with which I have in no way will be able to get out, not just yet. 

Responsibilities out of love. Obligations out of love. Sacrifices out of love. Commitment out of love. Not having the life that you wanted out of love.

Out of love we do things. Out of love we accept and embrace brokenness. Out of love we stay even if its hard and ugly at times. Out of love we are surviving, striving, thriving. Out of love we love. We care. Out of love we cry, then out of love we wipe away those tears and still stand up and continue doing all over again out of love.

We love, that is why we don't have everything our way. We love that is why turmoil in life has been bearable though it pains us a lot. We love that is why we are coping up. We love that is why we choose to live this life, because our real joy, our real happiness, is to see our family, our loved ones happy. To see them sleeping peacefully and waking up cheerfully. Our happiness does not lie with the things we do and not with the things we want, it lies with people we love. 

We conquer all because of love. Because love conquers all. I know redundant, but that is life, we may be living it up side down, high and low, side by side, but we fall the same way. We fall in love.

And my family is worth falling million of times, I guess. So maybe. For now, I would still, keep falling.

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Picture above took place last Christmas. I noticed, we don't take as much photos as before. Nothing bad, just another change. Noticed how I look awful, unprepared and chubby in most of my pictures lately, not bad I guess, just another change. Another change here and there. And then I wake up one day, feeling a different person altogether. What a word FAMILY could change a person :)

ACCEPTANCE STAGE

I think I am at  "acceptance stage" right now. I woke up last Sunday feeling refreshed and very accepting of the morning haggle. I still have my bouts of habitual attitude like getting frustrated in the morning for the fast paced routine. Still shouting and scolding here and there when things and people are getting in my way. And yet, my heart felt rested for two days. I still experience lazy mornings. Still not committed to what I do for a living. Still not getting the hang of it but I have already accepted that life is just the way it has to be for me. I'm pretty sure that something last year had triggered my depression. I became disappointed, hopeless, ungrateful, and I felt like, I'm a failure. I became insecured of few people I look up  to.

This is why I am writing this right now. Because I feel grateful today. Not totally happy and joyful but at least, I feel hopes is up in the air! I don't want to spoil the feeling, I just want to savor the peace of mind and rested heart for now. I think,  I have lost something intangible that triggered my depression. From anger, to blame, to bargaining, to depression, and now, I think I am in the last stage of loss, the acceptance. It's a very unusual but very familiar feeling that just happened to me twice so I know how unique it is. I wouldn't miss the signs! Maybe this will be the right time to put myself together. Create new dreams. Re-write my goals. Re-do my plans. And look forward to the blessings of tomorrow.

I cannot thank God enough for not leaving my side even though I almost gave up my faith because for me, I need to see and feel his help tangibly before I know he is helping me. This is one of the worse part of my attitude, where it is so hard for me to trust something or someone to make me feel better and to make me feel secured, it is so hard to convince me.

I am not sure though if sharing the possible reasons of my triggered depression will be a good idea, but in general, it goes like this I guess.

I was overwhelmed by the fact that  I got pregnant last year. We moved out to our new apartment and there were so many chaotic errands that have happened. I was so happy for my daughter's rank 1 in school, and I announced it to my loved ones but one of them was a bit insensitive to burst my bubble by sending me a news about someone just so I would be aware of this person's current state of life. I mean, of all the time to bring it up as a topic why choose the moment  I was celebrating my daughter's achievement? I was hurt, offended and insulted and this person didn't know that. I just couldn't help myself to feel, that that person broke the news on purpose. Purpose of really bursting my happy bubbles. I felt that some people, even your loved ones, is not genuinely happy for your little success. Two news has surprised me last December, and the fact that this has been linked to me and my husband was just too much for me to handle . My husband wasn't even aware I was going through a lot of trouble because of the news. I wasn't resenting the news, I just felt that my life story is so different and their lives stories were so alike and I also would have wanted same thing for me. But I refused to admit it, and it was just there, aching in my heart, filling all the space in my mind, and I couldn't get out, hence, the laziness, the depression, the hopelessness I went through.

Today, is actually a brand new day. And I think, and feel, and I am hoping and praying that this is the time to start a new! In life, there will always be a chance to move on, an opportunity to grab, a day to begin all over again. and for me this is the day :)

Who's with you in the Morning?

This thought has been my wondering question since I was in College. My teenage years had been my loneliest years as I've always struggled to believe that everybody in the world is with me beginning the morning dawn.

It all began when I started internship for hospitals and we were assigned to a morning shift, usually 6: am to 2: pm. I had to wake up at 3:30 am, and mostly, I would wake up alone. Nobody was there for me because my family were still sleeping. No one dare to wake up to keep me company. To prepare breakfast for me. To make sure I headed off safe. I'd been alone since then. I tried to convince myself that I was not alone in this struggle. That many were also awake and alone like me. But, whenever I would look at the neighbors with lights  already turned on, the elders, the parents were awake for their kids. And I hate to admit, I envy them. How I wish my mom would have exerted more effort when I was younger. I remember her waking up in the morning when I was a preschooler to elementary years. But when I was in high-school, I've already felt the changes in my mother. There was no consistency in accompanying us in the morning. This gave me the feeling of lonely morning ride.

When I got married, at first everything was what I have been dreaming of. My husband and I, would always wake up the same time. Our morning routine was fun. I have someone who prepare breakfast with and for me. I have someone to talk to before leaving the house. And most importantly, I have someone who heads off the house. At last! I am not alone! Was not alone..

Came having our first born child. A lot has changed. But the first and 2nd year was not about being alone. We lived with my husband's parents and her mom accompanied me every step of the way. Until one day, we needed to move out and had our own place. Since then, life for me slowly got back to what it used to be. I am back to where I was younger.. I was mostly, alone in the morning.

My husband work shift was at midnight, mine is a morning shift. I have to wake up alone in the morning to start with the day. I have to prepare for work all alone. After myself, that's the only time I have to wake up my husband and daughter. My first thought though was, since they would still be part of my day to day routine, I wouldn't have to feel alone or lonely. But I was wrong. I feel lonely. I think, I am lonelier than when I was younger. Every morning, after me being alone for myself preparation, morning haggle with husband and daughter who also started going to school is a daily chaos. I have time to do the daily routine for them, but not with them. No morning deep talks anymore. No sweet breakfast anymore. Everyday is always fast. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a stress and a lot of shouts and frustrations. I have my quiet nights though, and usually alone. I have my daughter with me, we play, we talk, we do things together, but I just feel emptier as the nights passed.

Since then, my body feels fatigued, sluggish and drained. I feel like, I don't have the appetite for life. For what's in store for me in the future. I struggle to move. I feel the most lazy person and it's been like this for 2 years now.

My morning is lonely. I feel alone. I feel empty. Even with the physical presence of my family, everything is a fog. I always asks myself if other people is also struggling like this. If they are anxious to wake up in the morning alone. Because I am.