Tuesday.Tessa

My kids are growing up so fast. Specially Tessa. I had this feeling of fear just very recently about how fast she is becoming a young lady. Her likes and dislikes, what she plays, what music she prefers, what movies and shows she wants to watch. She is even asking about the concept of courting, crush, love, boyfriend and girlfriend, marriage, family, being parents. She mostly ask us about how it is to be a parent. She is maturing in a warp speed. And she could definitely compare now what she sees in the shows to the reality of life.

She know that our house is small and other houses of people are big. She knows we are not rich, but she's okay with it because as she said She has everything that she love and need. She knows that we earn for a living 5 days a week for a very long hours sitting in front of the computer. She knows that she needs to help take care of her sibling while mommy and daddy works. She knows she needs to make it easy for mommy and daddy if she is obedient. She knows, she tells. Tessa is a very conversant kid. Even her teacher when she was in nursey says Tessa was a little more talkative and sometimes teacher was distracted because she kept talking about things she has and her family. Sometimes too private that her teacher needed to cut her off the conversation with other kids. 

I believe that Tessa's ability to converse what she has in mind definitely reflects how crazy her imagination is. I could just imagine all the neurons in her head. One thing I wouldn't do is to discourage her to think the way she think. She just need guidance and someone to correct wrong thoughts she may have. She is a little thinker. She is very curious of life itself. I would love to fill it in beautiful things and yet I also want it to be true and real.

Tessa is Tessa. She may not be the best in the class, but I know she is one of the best. She may not be the most cheerful kid, but I know she is one of the cheerful ones. She may not be the most friendly, but I know she love her friends. I have a very loving, very sweet, kind daughter. I lover her so.

More about her soon...

Monday of February 2021

Woke up this today at around 5 in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know what keeps me awake very early lately than usual. Maybe work? I usually wake up at around 6:30am-7:am but definitely, something changed in the course of maybe just a month that also changed my sleeping hour pattern. The usual one. And all I could think of was the project has already started that is taking so much of my mind nowadays. Add to that is my daughter's morning online class and a lot of time to accommodate her homework.

This has been my dream all along, to be with my family every step of the way. To witness what they do every single seconds of their lives, to be able to cook and eat with them breakfasts, lunches and dinners. I have dreamt of serving them by preparing them meals, cleaning up their mess, helping them cope up with their personal shortcomings. I wished and prayed so hard to God to let me have a work that could be done at home, and he did answer that, maybe not in the most desirable way but he gave this shot to me after all. 

But I think, along the way, I am blowing it all up. What I thought would make my life easier, what would make it better, happier and less stressful is to have it done my way. God gave me the taste of having it all the way I would have wanted it and now I'm here, still questioning why it seems to be so hard coping up in the days even if it takes place the way you have prayed it to be?

Today is Monday,  it is very early in the morning. It is still a quiet time, I don't have to rush to prepare heading to office. I don't have to get weary of the traffic jam, of long line in the terminal, I could sip my coffee in no rush, I could have my me time even though I was sleep deprived. I am sleepless today, but I have me time, I have slow time, I have peaceful time. I should be so happy and giddy and grateful. But I am not, I guess it has to do with my resentment with my job that has been there all along. It wasn't anymore the life itself. It is not about my boss, it is not because that I am not so good at it. It is not about not wanting every inch of these blessings that I have in front of me. It is about me not wanting where I am right now in my job. I want to breathe new opportunities, new colleagues. Or so I thought. 

Yeah, I thought I just didn't like my job, like I thought all the work from home stuff is not what I really wanted after all, like me not wanting to wake up very early in the morning to tend to my daughter's online class errands. Like me not wanting to stay longer hours taking care for my toddler. Like me not wanting my husband touch me or talk to me and gets very angry when he don't show interest in me anymore.

Yeah, I have what I have prayed for, but I am all the same mindset. I am all the same emotions. I am all the same ungrateful little rot! So maybe it just really have to be me admitting that what I really want is this:

1. That I could just choose between a career and being a housewife 

2. For my husband to level up at his career ladder and compensate even higher so that I could do the number one with bravery and without pang of guilt and worry and fear of the future

3. To be able to freely choose of what we really wanted for our lives as family

It may sound simple, but it isn't. I am tied with all these responsibilities with which I have in no way will be able to get out, not just yet. 

Responsibilities out of love. Obligations out of love. Sacrifices out of love. Commitment out of love. Not having the life that you wanted out of love.

Out of love we do things. Out of love we accept and embrace brokenness. Out of love we stay even if its hard and ugly at times. Out of love we are surviving, striving, thriving. Out of love we love. We care. Out of love we cry, then out of love we wipe away those tears and still stand up and continue doing all over again out of love.

We love, that is why we don't have everything our way. We love that is why turmoil in life has been bearable though it pains us a lot. We love that is why we are coping up. We love that is why we choose to live this life, because our real joy, our real happiness, is to see our family, our loved ones happy. To see them sleeping peacefully and waking up cheerfully. Our happiness does not lie with the things we do and not with the things we want, it lies with people we love. 

We conquer all because of love. Because love conquers all. I know redundant, but that is life, we may be living it up side down, high and low, side by side, but we fall the same way. We fall in love.

And my family is worth falling million of times, I guess. So maybe. For now, I would still, keep falling.

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Picture above took place last Christmas. I noticed, we don't take as much photos as before. Nothing bad, just another change. Noticed how I look awful, unprepared and chubby in most of my pictures lately, not bad I guess, just another change. Another change here and there. And then I wake up one day, feeling a different person altogether. What a word FAMILY could change a person :)

ACCEPTANCE STAGE

I think I am at  "acceptance stage" right now. I woke up last Sunday feeling refreshed and very accepting of the morning haggle. I still have my bouts of habitual attitude like getting frustrated in the morning for the fast paced routine. Still shouting and scolding here and there when things and people are getting in my way. And yet, my heart felt rested for two days. I still experience lazy mornings. Still not committed to what I do for a living. Still not getting the hang of it but I have already accepted that life is just the way it has to be for me. I'm pretty sure that something last year had triggered my depression. I became disappointed, hopeless, ungrateful, and I felt like, I'm a failure. I became insecured of few people I look up  to.

This is why I am writing this right now. Because I feel grateful today. Not totally happy and joyful but at least, I feel hopes is up in the air! I don't want to spoil the feeling, I just want to savor the peace of mind and rested heart for now. I think,  I have lost something intangible that triggered my depression. From anger, to blame, to bargaining, to depression, and now, I think I am in the last stage of loss, the acceptance. It's a very unusual but very familiar feeling that just happened to me twice so I know how unique it is. I wouldn't miss the signs! Maybe this will be the right time to put myself together. Create new dreams. Re-write my goals. Re-do my plans. And look forward to the blessings of tomorrow.

I cannot thank God enough for not leaving my side even though I almost gave up my faith because for me, I need to see and feel his help tangibly before I know he is helping me. This is one of the worse part of my attitude, where it is so hard for me to trust something or someone to make me feel better and to make me feel secured, it is so hard to convince me.

I am not sure though if sharing the possible reasons of my triggered depression will be a good idea, but in general, it goes like this I guess.

I was overwhelmed by the fact that  I got pregnant last year. We moved out to our new apartment and there were so many chaotic errands that have happened. I was so happy for my daughter's rank 1 in school, and I announced it to my loved ones but one of them was a bit insensitive to burst my bubble by sending me a news about someone just so I would be aware of this person's current state of life. I mean, of all the time to bring it up as a topic why choose the moment  I was celebrating my daughter's achievement? I was hurt, offended and insulted and this person didn't know that. I just couldn't help myself to feel, that that person broke the news on purpose. Purpose of really bursting my happy bubbles. I felt that some people, even your loved ones, is not genuinely happy for your little success. Two news has surprised me last December, and the fact that this has been linked to me and my husband was just too much for me to handle . My husband wasn't even aware I was going through a lot of trouble because of the news. I wasn't resenting the news, I just felt that my life story is so different and their lives stories were so alike and I also would have wanted same thing for me. But I refused to admit it, and it was just there, aching in my heart, filling all the space in my mind, and I couldn't get out, hence, the laziness, the depression, the hopelessness I went through.

Today, is actually a brand new day. And I think, and feel, and I am hoping and praying that this is the time to start a new! In life, there will always be a chance to move on, an opportunity to grab, a day to begin all over again. and for me this is the day :)