SHUTTING OFF MY HOOK

Hi guys. I know i had been quite a promise breaker last month. I was just so busy, thinking and thinking about the things that was happening to me. The sudden events that makes me think if i am taking the right track. Most of the time now, I've been a happy bee! And it wasn't i fib. But sometimes, out of the mid day, I would lost off track. Sometimes i would begin to feel sad, or upset, or disappointed at something. I don't know. That's just how my mind , feelings and emotions runs for the rest of the week. My parents we'rent here for the past whole week, and i must honestly say, I felt glad they had gone that long. I was given a chance to relax, and release all my tension in my system that somehow my parents brought to me. The pressure to get into my nursing career. The pressure to make it and work in Jed-ha. To help out with the expenses. To help put up a business. The pressure i might be emotionally, physically and psychologically wrecked by the time it all happened and i get too old and still have not yet find my own happiness, my own life, my own plans to settle for good for a man I will truly love. i am afraid that they might give me too much responsibilities and nothing from those will I ever make. I fear I will disappoint them. Until such time that all of us becomes emotionally damaged already. It's not that i am being selfish, not that I don't want to help my family. Of course I do! With all of my heart and soul I would love to be the one who could give them their dream life. But i'm just so scared their putting me too high expectations and it stops me from taking an action now for fear i will fail. And that rejection by them come after. Maybe I'm just over thinking things and it complicates everything. I know i only have to take one step at a time, which what i am trying to do now but, they some what being impatient about it. I promised that i need to fix myself before they get back. And make sure they'd see something positive on me and my effort to pursue what they'd been taunting me at for almost a year now. I thought their vacation would be a good way to somewhat replenish their minds of good things on our family, on our lives. But when they got back early this morning, I couldn't help myself but to feel unease knowing they are around me. Observing and noticing every small moves I make inside our home. Most of the time now, I don't feel like i am home. That were slowly drifting apart not physically but emotionally as a family. I very well know that i shouldn't brag too personal about my life but I just can't help it. This is what's been circling on my mind almost everyday and i know I need to drastically drain it off my system. This also stops me from blogging the exciting moments I have with special people in my life. Also the exciting plans I have in mind. It was being clouded by negativity now. Add up my friend (also my HS crush) that's now blocked me on Facebook site and dont talk to me any longer for the reason I turned down his plan to pursue me. I can't explain what I feel now. I know I need to go far away from here. I need to be somewhere else. Somewhere I can be my own. Somewhere I can think clearly. Somewhere i won't be hearing their complaints, their demands and feel the obligations they're putting me. I need to get out here. i need to move out. Please if you know a place I can be right now just private message me. I will appreciate a little help by giving me suggestions. And please something not too expensive. I  am quite broke since my last salary from my last job. Maybe that one also summed up my negativity these days.

P.s. My apology for making this blog my 'Buena Mano' for month of June. I will make it up on you next time. sigh. Life is a whole pack of game, and it was tricky you might hit the end part...and it's going to be all over. And you can never return back to play the game for the second time around.

This song 'Greatest love of all' by Whitney Houston really touches my heart now. Gloomy day. Perfect for my gloomy mood. I hope you a blessed day ahead everyone.

BADJAO IN ZAMBALES

One day. At the a midst of afternoon in Zambales. There were two young boys selling a handicrafts accessories. They both approached me and asked to purchase a few from them. As i was so busy taking pictures of myself, I turned down the offer. Giving them the "i'm not interested look". When both of them walked away, I had this weird feeling that i had to look back and go after them. And so I did. They were both siting and  trying to convince other tourist. And as i was staring at both of them... . I saw the longing in their eyes, sympathy for these two young boys begun to rage in my system. And then i walked towards them. Gave attention on their handicrafts which was very simple and common. Something you usually see in any accessories store even here in Manila. But, when i heard their angelic voices, there's something that twisted every veins in my heart, screaming out to help these children. As i examined the handicrafts, it became the most beautiful ones that i have ever seen in my life! It was not how the pieces were made, but because i was looking on their faces. The emotions, the young voices, the innocent look in their eyes, the sincerity to give joy, the little hands reaching out while handling the crafts. My heart wanted to cry out. It seemed that God is in the work. I wanted to cry. I felt like, i am longing for these kids. Longing to help them. To empathize with them. To bring the joy that was being stolen by this unfair world. I bought the handicrafts and made sure that compliments were given both to the young boys. I also didn't asked for a change. I also asked how much they were getting from all the pieces they have purchased a day. And i was surprised to know that their getting only a few cents although they are the one who worked hard to sell those the whole day.

And as i was giving my thanks and regards to these children.. I decided to walked at the bay thinking.. I was so selfish. I am unfair. I don't deserve this vacation summer more than the two young boys deserve it. I thought to myself, what I was complaining for? What/Who was making me sad? Why do I complain a lot of times, but this two young boys?

Maybe, this is the time that we need to step back from our world and look at others way of living. Do we deserve too much but don't appreciate it any longer to the fact that we all have this inner pride like "hey i've worked so hard to get this!" Well... "Hey too!" These two young boys also worked hard. Maybe a 100 times of what you have worked hard. But what do you think these young boys are getting???? NOTHING.

Maybe, this is a wake up call for us to stop being so selfish, stop wanting everything only for yourself. Try to reach out to those who longing for God's love and care. Most especially for joy that these kids deserves more than anyone else...more than ever.

Unofficially Inlove

6:06 pm. Time of the clock at the moment here at home. Here sitting on a chair, infront of the laptop, waiting for your name to pop up on my screen. We're going to chat as you pleased and promised. And you were not there. And im completely pissed off!!! But right infront of screen, cursing your name for not chatting me up...I remember what i've just said to you.. No commitments. No strings attached. But why am i feeling so sad when i'm not around you. Feels so blue when you dont call and when i dont hear your voice. Why you were there taunting my mind every single seconds? Why can't i resist you though i reminded you too many times that we're just friends. That i am not ready to start up a relationship. That it might ruin and disappoint both of us in the end. But i still wanted to be with you. I still sends you sweet messages, I still wants us to meet and have a date. I still want to plan things with you. I still enjoy listening to your voice while singing and playing your guitar. I love to hear that you want to bring me on your community church one time. But it all suddenly have changed when i told you theres no point for the two of us. That i can't be in a relationship right now. That i am not sure of what i feel for you. You also asked me if I still have feelings for my past guy. I told you 'I dont know'. And it's true. You were not the first and one who asked me since i started bragging about you on facebook and on twitter. And I've been so consistent of my answers. Because that was the truth. Believe it or not, i was trying to analyse my own feelings for him.. I gave time to be nostalgic and think back of my past. Of our past. Of our memories. But I really can't find love there. Nor any affections for him. I'm not saying that i am totally moved on or mended but, i just couldn't lie on myself. So i tried to rationalize things for me. That maybe i still have feelings towards my past man. But it is being filled in by this new guy who unexpectedly brought happiness in my life. He makes me smile for no reason. We only have known each other for a little while but...The feelings for each other grew stronger so fast it overwhelms me. Surprises me. Most importantly. Scares me. My friends also knows about him. But a little why i like him. They have different reactions. Some got to be so excited and happy. Some turned to feel negative about it. Some dont believe about it. Some wants me to  pursue this new blossoming relationship. Some wants me to take things slowly. Some dont bother. Some really just dont like it! So really it was all very confusing!! I dont know anymore whom and what to believe. What i should do. Was it something that God has planned. Was he the one God has promised me to be the one?? If so...why would someone gets hurt? Why would someone gets affected. Why would someone feels i have changed since this new guy. Is he changing me for the better or the other way around. Everything now is confusing. But one thing is for sure. He brings happiness into my life. Genuine happiness. He made me realized that no amount of money could ever equal the pure love you can give to someone.I love his sense of humor. Really.. he's freakingly funny my stomach always gets hurt when he cracked up a joke. I love how gifted he is in music. I love his voice. When he talk and sing. I love it when he always tells me I'm beautiful. That my smile was his most favorite part of my face. I love being around him.. But I dont know if it's okay to say I love him. Because i know that saying so would just complicate things more! That I am giving it a chance to break me. To break him, something i can't afford to happen. Something i can't afford he would suffer. This new guy i'm pertaining to, is one of the most special person in my life right now. And i do believe that my feelings for him is nothing but pure. I know this because, I am choosing to suffer from hiding my true feelings just so he would not be hurt in the end. That I am choosing to be alone than to steal the chances he might find someone more better and more deserving of his love. I can't afford having him. He's too much for me.

So to cut this story now. We are officially not together guys. He is not my boyfriend. I think we are more in a stage where in... We are 'More than friends. But less than Lovers'. So whether you bad critic us, or me about it...I will just shrug it off dude! I think this is the best place we can go for now. We can't treat each other to be purely friends. But hey we can't treat each other more than friend as well!!! So better yet be in between...Maybe we could just called that...THE PROCESS OF COURTSHIP :) yeah? ciao!