6:06 pm. Time of the clock at the moment here at home. Here sitting on a chair, infront of the laptop, waiting for your name to pop up on my screen. We're going to chat as you pleased and promised. And you were not there. And im completely pissed off!!! But right infront of screen, cursing your name for not chatting me up...I remember what i've just said to you.. No commitments. No strings attached. But why am i feeling so sad when i'm not around you. Feels so blue when you dont call and when i dont hear your voice. Why you were there taunting my mind every single seconds? Why can't i resist you though i reminded you too many times that we're just friends. That i am not ready to start up a relationship. That it might ruin and disappoint both of us in the end. But i still wanted to be with you. I still sends you sweet messages, I still wants us to meet and have a date. I still want to plan things with you. I still enjoy listening to your voice while singing and playing your guitar. I love to hear that you want to bring me on your community church one time. But it all suddenly have changed when i told you theres no point for the two of us. That i can't be in a relationship right now. That i am not sure of what i feel for you. You also asked me if I still have feelings for my past guy. I told you 'I dont know'. And it's true. You were not the first and one who asked me since i started bragging about you on facebook and on twitter. And I've been so consistent of my answers. Because that was the truth. Believe it or not, i was trying to analyse my own feelings for him.. I gave time to be nostalgic and think back of my past. Of our past. Of our memories. But I really can't find love there. Nor any affections for him. I'm not saying that i am totally moved on or mended but, i just couldn't lie on myself. So i tried to rationalize things for me. That maybe i still have feelings towards my past man. But it is being filled in by this new guy who unexpectedly brought happiness in my life. He makes me smile for no reason. We only have known each other for a little while but...The feelings for each other grew stronger so fast it overwhelms me. Surprises me. Most importantly. Scares me. My friends also knows about him. But a little why i like him. They have different reactions. Some got to be so excited and happy. Some turned to feel negative about it. Some dont believe about it. Some wants me to pursue this new blossoming relationship. Some wants me to take things slowly. Some dont bother. Some really just dont like it! So really it was all very confusing!! I dont know anymore whom and what to believe. What i should do. Was it something that God has planned. Was he the one God has promised me to be the one?? If so...why would someone gets hurt? Why would someone gets affected. Why would someone feels i have changed since this new guy. Is he changing me for the better or the other way around. Everything now is confusing. But one thing is for sure. He brings happiness into my life. Genuine happiness. He made me realized that no amount of money could ever equal the pure love you can give to someone.I love his sense of humor. Really.. he's freakingly funny my stomach always gets hurt when he cracked up a joke. I love how gifted he is in music. I love his voice. When he talk and sing. I love it when he always tells me I'm beautiful. That my smile was his most favorite part of my face. I love being around him.. But I dont know if it's okay to say I love him. Because i know that saying so would just complicate things more! That I am giving it a chance to break me. To break him, something i can't afford to happen. Something i can't afford he would suffer. This new guy i'm pertaining to, is one of the most special person in my life right now. And i do believe that my feelings for him is nothing but pure. I know this because, I am choosing to suffer from hiding my true feelings just so he would not be hurt in the end. That I am choosing to be alone than to steal the chances he might find someone more better and more deserving of his love. I can't afford having him. He's too much for me.
So to cut this story now. We are officially not together guys. He is not my boyfriend. I think we are more in a stage where in... We are 'More than friends. But less than Lovers'. So whether you bad critic us, or me about it...I will just shrug it off dude! I think this is the best place we can go for now. We can't treat each other to be purely friends. But hey we can't treat each other more than friend as well!!! So better yet be in between...Maybe we could just called that...THE PROCESS OF COURTSHIP :) yeah? ciao!
