This thought has been my wondering question since I was in College. My teenage years had been my loneliest years as I've always struggled to believe that everybody in the world is with me beginning the morning dawn.
It all began when I started internship for hospitals and we were assigned to a morning shift, usually 6: am to 2: pm. I had to wake up at 3:30 am, and mostly, I would wake up alone. Nobody was there for me because my family were still sleeping. No one dare to wake up to keep me company. To prepare breakfast for me. To make sure I headed off safe. I'd been alone since then. I tried to convince myself that I was not alone in this struggle. That many were also awake and alone like me. But, whenever I would look at the neighbors with lights already turned on, the elders, the parents were awake for their kids. And I hate to admit, I envy them. How I wish my mom would have exerted more effort when I was younger. I remember her waking up in the morning when I was a preschooler to elementary years. But when I was in high-school, I've already felt the changes in my mother. There was no consistency in accompanying us in the morning. This gave me the feeling of lonely morning ride.
When I got married, at first everything was what I have been dreaming of. My husband and I, would always wake up the same time. Our morning routine was fun. I have someone who prepare breakfast with and for me. I have someone to talk to before leaving the house. And most importantly, I have someone who heads off the house. At last! I am not alone! Was not alone..
Came having our first born child. A lot has changed. But the first and 2nd year was not about being alone. We lived with my husband's parents and her mom accompanied me every step of the way. Until one day, we needed to move out and had our own place. Since then, life for me slowly got back to what it used to be. I am back to where I was younger.. I was mostly, alone in the morning.
My husband work shift was at midnight, mine is a morning shift. I have to wake up alone in the morning to start with the day. I have to prepare for work all alone. After myself, that's the only time I have to wake up my husband and daughter. My first thought though was, since they would still be part of my day to day routine, I wouldn't have to feel alone or lonely. But I was wrong. I feel lonely. I think, I am lonelier than when I was younger. Every morning, after me being alone for myself preparation, morning haggle with husband and daughter who also started going to school is a daily chaos. I have time to do the daily routine for them, but not with them. No morning deep talks anymore. No sweet breakfast anymore. Everyday is always fast. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a stress and a lot of shouts and frustrations. I have my quiet nights though, and usually alone. I have my daughter with me, we play, we talk, we do things together, but I just feel emptier as the nights passed.
Since then, my body feels fatigued, sluggish and drained. I feel like, I don't have the appetite for life. For what's in store for me in the future. I struggle to move. I feel the most lazy person and it's been like this for 2 years now.
My morning is lonely. I feel alone. I feel empty. Even with the physical presence of my family, everything is a fog. I always asks myself if other people is also struggling like this. If they are anxious to wake up in the morning alone. Because I am.
