Pregnancy Blues Part 2

I am on my 3rd month of pregnancy now. I don't feel better, but it isn't as bad as it was from last 2 months of pregnancy. This is the first Christmas and New Year Holidays that I wanted to end quickly so I can reach the 4th month already. I am hoping I am not one of those who have a hard time through out the 9th month of pregnancy.

I still have my pregnancy blues, but it is manageable now, I guess. Less vomiting have done a lot in my mood. I am trying to act normal when people are around but I still have my introvert side more dominant on this phase of pregnancy. I am glad that there were less invites for Christmas parties and reunions as I really can't force myself to socialize so much.

I am at work now. I just forced myself since I don't have leave credits anymore, knowing that holiday hang over won't make the office busy and toxic. But I am so bored. I feel like time wasted here would have been a time gained spending with loved ones. Yet, who can complain? This is ADULTING! Responsibilities, commitments, accountability and integrity, traits which we promised our employer so we could be employed. These are also the traits we want our children to grow up with. And so I need to be a role model. I need to show how it is done. I cannot preach what I cannot practice.

So what else can I say? Oh, yes! We will be celebrating the New year holidays with my relatives at mom side in Laguna. I forced myself to believe that a new ambiance and reuniting with few,closed relatives would make me feel better. And at the very least, I don't have to do the grocery shopping and the cooking. Just a financial contribution will do! Road trips were also doing wonders with my pregnancy blues so it would be a nice short getaway for me and for my family.

I am also missing already the old me. The girl who's excited for holidays, the girl who's open to tireless shopping and Christmas preparation and sleepless nights for chitchat and movie marathon without feeling so exhausted and sick right after. I miss the girl who loves waking up in the morning alone because she wants to enjoy her cup of coffee without distractions. I miss the girl who's always have food cravings and can eat anything at anytime of the day without feeling sick afterwards. I just miss how it was when  my body is at its normal state.  The girl who is always happy. I know this pregnancy blues will soon end. I just can't wait for that day!

I've been complaining for 3 months now, and to be honest, I still can't enjoy my pregnancy journey. Physical pain and discomfort can really take a toll on my emotions and mental state. All I pray now is for God to give me strength, give me more endurance, and to see the positive side in this situation. I pray for more patience and understanding of the pain I feel everyday since I found out I am pregnant. I pray too that the people around me, who wants the best for me and the people who are trying to help will have more patience and understanding too of my situation. Please forgive me Lord for my impatient behavior, forgive me for the bad things I have said when I feel discomfort. Please forgive me for my hopelessness. I know this things will pass. And at the end of all these challenges, I would witness a blessings that is on the way. Truly you are a God of greater deal! You want what's best for us but you also want us to learn by experiencing all the process. Thank you for a glimpse of hope and positivism today. More to come please!

Pregnancy BLues

My life has its up side down, I don't know where to start whenever I wanted to talk about life. But I know, I just got to do it to have a quiet and peaceful mind. I'm going wild and crazy, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is so hard to define what I feel in one word, but I will try. I'm going to use the word "ambivalent" which is a medical term for emotional hype of a pregnant woman. I feel contented, I am looking forward to what is in store for me next year, I am excited for the 2nd baby on the way, but, but, I am worried, anxious, scared. Even so, I am exhausted, restless, tired. So many responsibilities, so many errands that needs to be done. There is so much in my plate and I don' t know what to do first. I am suffocated by my mind running wild 24/7.

As I type this post, I feel all the physical discomfort of my pregnancy. Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, heartburn/acid reflux, back-pain. These physical discomfort have been leading me to depression sometimes. Feeling all the discomforts while doing all the house hold chores, and working in the office is one hell of a ride. And when people say "its okay", its a normal phase of pregnancy", you will get through it soon" I just really want to punch them in the face. Like yeah, let's see if its okay, and if its normal and if you can patiently wait while painfully experiencing all these and you cannot even exempt yourself from your responsibilities as a wife, a mother and a worker.

I become very anti social. People around me just irritates me so much! All I want is my husband and my daughter.

I need more strength and patience to endure all these discomforts. I hope I can survive another month with all these symptoms. And I really do hope it will be done by 2nd trimester because I cannot take it anymore :(

I Got Works To Do Just Yet

"So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come." -PSALM 71:18

What are the things that I want to do and accomplish before my life will be taken away...
1. Teach children ages 3-6 years old
2. Be a fulltime mom and wife
3. Be tessa's hands on teacher in her studies
4. Have our own home
5. Get a job in my desired salary, and hopefully near our home lest the number 2 won't work for me
6. See my baby girl and maybe future babies graduate and start their own family and career lives
7. Be a good supporter of my husband's dreams for his career
8. Be a fulltime digital writer about life as a woman
9. Be an advocate of importance of education to children
10. Be a God's agent of wisdom

I don't know if these aligns God's purpose for me to fullfill. I don't know if all these are the things that God designed me to be. I am the kind of person who get upset and dissapointed when it doesn't go my way. I am very well sure God knows what I'm talking about. But knowing the God of holiness, of power, of authority, a God who saves, a God who gives grace, I know that whatever his will in my life, whether it makes me happy or it will be a cause of discomfort, I will trust the Lord to fullfill his purpose in my life because thats the only time I can say to myself, Lord, it is done. Your purpose, I fullfilled. I am ready to receive the eternal life with you. And only in that moment I will peacefully accept..my time has finished.

Reflections available from Thrive book by Darlene Sala et'al

The song Find us Faithful of Jon Mohr encourages us to be faithful for the sake of those who will follow after us.

Conversation with God from Thrive book by Darlene Sala et'al

What do you want me to do today Lord, to share Your greatness with someoje who is hurting? I'm listening...

Rest and Peace (R.A.P)

I made clear that its a R.A.P and not I in the middle

So as not to confuse the title.

I called off for work since yesterday because of certain reasons,  yep not just 1,2 but more. I woke up feeling so low, and my body aches. In the afternoon, around 1 pm, after I assisted my little tot in her bath, a sound of something (ugong) disrupted my ears, and I thought it was coming from the outside, I thought a big truck with a machinery or whatsoever that makes an ugong sound parked nearby. But upon checking, there were no trucks nor anything that was making a weird noise until I realized, it was coming from inside my ear. I ignored it and just continued doing errands. But after I took a shower, I felt that my head was starting to feel heavy, I thought my migraine would attack so I laid down on bed and slept beside my little tot. Upon waking up after an hour nap, the ugong becomes stronger, my left ear,head and face feels heavier and i felt the pain in my skull and I knew it, my mgraine attacked, and worst, I think I just had my first bout of vertigo. I couldn't stand, walk and sit up for long period. I was having a hard time keeping my balance, it felt, I would fall or faint anytime so I just laid down on bed, praying and wishing it would go away. Almost 2 hours of laying down and my symptoms gets stronger and I think I was starting to experience nervous breakdown because I was short of breath and my extremities were shaking. I texted my husband already and asked for assistance right away. He sent off his parents to check on me and my daughter.  I took my pain reliever meds and my mom in law massages my head down to my back and shoulder for almost an hour. Soon, the symptoms were starting to subside and my nervousness subsided as well. I didnt know what the heck happened to me. It was terrifying.

So I called off for work again today,though I am feeling better now, I don't want to compromise my situation as the ugong sound in my ears and difficulty keeping my balance are still present. Still laying down after I had my breakfast because just a bit of movement feels like Im gunna fall off the ground.

Being bed ridden gives me so much time to think, replay life, and analyse my life in general and in its particular. Since I wanted to take advantage of this time to do what I have been loving to do ever since, I browsed in my mini book shelf and tried to look for inspirational readings. But while trying to read it, I felt that God was trying to tell me to read something else, so I put down my book look at my bible app where there are also shared topics you can read depending on your daily mood,preference and need. I came across the topics about work, rest and peace..so it explains my blog post title.

Some of the passages and messages that took my attention are here, please scroll down:

You are at war with yourself. "Well I am."

You want something but you can't get it. "I guess we all have some guilty pleasures and desires."

Don't you know that to be friend with the world is to hate God? "Now that makes it more frigthening isn't it?"

Make your hearts pure, you who can't make up your minds. "Well I guess I really am not making up my mind in so many things. I don't think I'm alone with this dilemma of decision making."

God see what is in my heart. "So he knows I am happy but not feeling fullfilled. That I am content but not fully grasping what's in my heart.

Help me live in the way that is always right. "But you know, I'm so stubborn because when I hear him, I don't listen, when he seek for me, I hide when he wants talk to me, I blocked him with wordly distractions. You see? I am too tired to even grow relationship with him."

Work-life balance, one always prevails over another. "Why couldn't I agree more?"

In Jesus time there was no such thing as balance, only rythyms of work, rest and celebration. All centered in loving God and others. "So I wonder why people ages ago leaves hundreds of years old! I wish I have lived my life with my family on Jesus time!"

"Social pressure is also a blame here I suppose."

Rest and Repentance. "Oh! That's all I need this time!

God's approval of us is enough, how I wish this was easy and true to me." I struggle so much in pleasing everybody, from my parents, siblings, husband, daughter,friends, to bosses and colleagues.

If you are waiting for my inspirational parting words, well dear; I'm very sorry, I don't have that for this post right now. You see, I am struggling with my health, mental,emotional and spiritual wellness. I don't know what to do yet, or how to minimize what causes my frustrations and stresses. I am struggling to keep up with the demand of work from my professional as well as personal life. From always praying, devoting and keeping a daily journal of my life to just let the day unfold and take a rest when all demands are finished. Yet, I don't feel fullfilled. I feel stuck. I feel stagnant. I don't see progress. I know I'm still blessed among the rest, but being blessed is far different from being grateful. For anyone who will be able to read this because I guess I lose my readers many years ago already. Maybe you're a God sent to be a catalyst, or more likely my guardian angel to help me surpass this dilemma. I will keep on fighting, because you know, I'm a wife and a mother, their strength and motivation in life also comes from what they see in me. So imagine how hard I am keeping all these emotions to myself. Oh yes, you can call me "a great pretender". Trying to keep everything put together, but I myself is so close to collapsing. But don't worry, I am far from suicidal intentions..maybe just merely sad and tired in the cycle of life and I just really need to breathe out..but you know what's stopping me? BILLS!!! 

So get off that bed and keep grinding! As for me, I will savor this moment before I go back zombie again to my usual, daily grind. Yeah we are zombies trying to make life by working hard that will soon kill us just to pay bills. My goodness this post sounds like I am some kind of a cult. 😄

Will make it up to you guys. I guess my estrogen level is at its cray cray level right now. Lets blame the hormones shall we? 

I wish and pray that we all find the way to fullfillness by seeking God first in all that we do. And as for me, I will walk the talk.. .please let us help each other up!

7 Reasons I Beat Monday Blues

I've been meaning to change this blog into something more motherly, such as, letters to my daughter, motherhood journey, wife, mom, career life, and etc. But never had anything done and had never been so consistent!

This time, I just want to go back in random blogging and have it posted randomly, without any schedules and maybe from there, a brand new idea will strike and it may be a start of something that is really meant for sharing!

I hope so! So for now, I will start with a thought in mind this morning.

As very usual for me, I woke up today at 5 in the morning and spent 30 minutes wide awake staring at a ceiling thinking, how dreadful Mondays are to me. I wish I could skip this day altogether, or how I wish Mondays are exempted from Morning grind and let corporate workers get by the office as flexible as they could get because it is.. . Monday! The most dreaded day to majority of us Filipino. As for a working mom like me, I hate Mondays because, I have this so called "separation anxiety" from my daughter which I thought would be gone by now as she turned 3 years old! But no, the  anxiety is still lingering nowadays and I'm really having a hard time fighting it specially during Monday.

That's why I did a "self talked" today on why I'm still doing this "working mom" thingy.

So here it goes, reasons I persist in my working career:

1. First is I do this for my little girl. Because I want to give her everything, not just enough. But all that I could give without compromising our finances.

2. I want to be a good example of persistence, perseverance, and hard work especially now that she will be enrolled to school this year. I want her to see how her mom and dad do it. We want her to have same things we could empathized with together. I don't want her to feel alone on her journey for a five long days of school, us at work. At least we could share this through evening conversation while having dinner! I want Tessa to see in me that there's more to life if she strives for it, that getting married, having children shouldn't be a hindrance from achieving so much! That she can be whatever she wants to become and that there is no one or nothing to stop her.

3. I want to hone her personality by doing rather than telling what and how to do it.

4. I want to help my husband build our dreams and plans together.

5. I want to help my parents (same with my husband's parents) when they grow old and decides to retire. Although I know they have their pensions and all. You can tell, I am really a "worrier" kind of person. I worry almost about everything! haha!

6. I want financial security and stability.

7. I want career and financial growth because I have bigger plans for my family's future!

I really wanted to list at least ten, but these were the only things I have thought so far before I left the house at 6 30 am!

I encourage women out there to also list down reasons on why you keep on doing what you do. We have to find purpose in whatever we do especially if it consume so much of our time and energy. Because if we do things without a purpose, our hardships wouldn't be worth it.

I hope your are having a good Monday relationship! :D