for this whole one week..ive been feeling weird. i feel so depress. sad. then happy. then sad. then nothing. then then...i dont know. until lately, 3 straight nights that you were on my dreams, even our "bugs" (if you still remember him). you we're there, i could see you, and touched and even hugged you. but there was no kiss. even on my dreams, i could feel your coldness over me. then for the next dream, as if we talked. as if were back together. as if i could see in your eyes that you misses me. we were happy. you were happy. but thats was only in my dreams. and last night. last night was the saddest. its raining, i was asking for rescue, i was on a green field. i was hoping you would rescue me. i was shouting your name. and then i faint, and everything went black. but i was still hoping you'd come and save me. but there was no you. there was a man..a different man who rescued me. but i was not happy, he kissed me. but i was thinking of you.
then for once, i realized that you were having such a weird dreams about me too. yeah it made me feel a bit happy. knowing that subconsciously, i was still on your mind. but the last dream, and today, when i woke up. i swear to GOD above..it feels different. the feeling of emptiness was so strong that i couldnt even take a breathe. i was palpitating. then i realized i was sad and afraid of the unknown. until it all came to me. i am sad because of you. i was sad because,,this was the month where everything about us being inlove has started. this was the long month when we were once crazy being inlove with each other. this was the month when i met your family. when i said yes i wanted to be your girlfriend. that yes lets give it a try. yes if it would work for us. and it did worked.
i though it was just the two of us that was having a kind of dream. but a friend. someone whose both close with our heart, someone who connect us. had dreamed of us too. but i think she had the great magical dream. that on her dream, i was crying seeing you going to marry. yes and i was there on your wedding she said. and i was crying outside. and that you also was crying. but what made this dream of her special..was when you came outside, you looked for me..and said 'babe come with me'. realizing that on her dreams..it was us. i was the one you are going to marry. thats the greatest dream i ever had when we were still together. and the dream i was trying to bury to death since you left me. but its all coming back to me..it all was coming back.
all the hope. all the pain. all of the feelings i had when i started loving you and when it ended when you said you dont love me anymore. i was trying to find the hatred, the anger, the madness i once had when you break my heart. but i couldnt find them.. they are not here in my heart and even in my head.. all that was left was a memories of you when you were here with me. and the memories when you were not anymore...i am fully hurt but i cant hate you. and i hate myself for that.
and now..all that i could feel are weird. i couldnt put in on words. i could feel all! until it all came to me..AUGUST WILL END..it will END. it was the start...but will also the END of everything. this is the end of my dreams. the END of my hope. END of my little faith that someday...you will come and love me again. and that you will make it last forever. but this should end. because of one BIG reason...you left me simply. and plainly because you dont love me anymore. that there was no feelings anymore. and simply because you are ready for another door to open for you. you are open of any possibility of having someone,maybe better than me. when august ends..i should also end up my hopes. especially my love for you. because for the reason that i cant do anything to help myself bring you back.
AUGUST you've played a big part of our love lives way back. you were once my most awaiting month to come. now you are the one i do want to skip the most. i hate that you will end tomorrow. but im also asking for this day to end and it means ending all the things that started with you. i have loved you just like the man i had once with celebrating you. but he is gone now. and i am through this alone. i need to forget you just like what he is doing now. we are better this way i guess. he's moving on happy. i should too.
maybe one day we are going to cross each others path again. in a different way, with a different feelings. i dont know what will happen if Gods permit us to see each other again. if that time, i am ready to face you. or if in any case, will i be ready for you?
but this should end now. i should end this craziness. this stupidness. because i have no one now to fight back for me. this war is my war. i need to fight for myself. people around me were expecting a lot from me. and i wont let them down.
My August, when you end......life must go on.
My August when you end.......its the new start for me.
My August when you end.......its a different me.
My August when you end.......this love should also end...
this is my turn to make another book, to write the new story of my life. the old book must be close since i hit the end part of it. well you hit the end.and so i accepted it.i had no choice but to hit the end as well.
and this time, i will write mostly of my life. my own life. my life alone. life as an individual. life as being Queenie MV.
