hello guys. how was the day unfolding huh? mine was sort of fine. atlast! i get to take a nap for 1 hour straight! something that had gone in my system for a long weeks that passed for unknown reason, though i always sleep at late midnight and wake up early in the morning. and though i was super lack of sleep, my body clock really does know when it is past 8 or 9 am already that even i still wanted to sleep.its just that i couldnt anymore.i was just really happy i get enough sleep today and so i blog this lol. but ofcourse my blog wouldnt be consist of my sleeping problems and issues haha. it is more about myself. something more personal.
i know that a lot of you have been following my story since the breaking news about me came out. something so devastating in my part. something i never thought i would surpass. and apparently, i did surpassed that tough times that came along :) i cant say that i am fully okay, since thats guna be an unconvincing statement coming from someone who was totally crashed and trying to stand up and find the scattered pieces of her heart. my heart just now. but it's true that as time goes by, as you witnessed how the days unfold, how you wake up every morning conquering all the pains and fear that filling in your body and in your mind, it would truly mend you broken soul. as the saying goes: time heals the pain (or should i say the broken heart ;)). a little patience won't harm, rather will keep you going and your hopes up. and slowly but surely, one day. someday, you would realize that you have moved on. that you are now somewhat changed. and changing for the better. i now realized that acceptance was pretty easy than miserably blaming the life and things that caused you struggles, and instead of anger and madness, use it to overwhelm yourself with gratitude, that if those rough patches in your life never came, or never happens, you wouldn't be this strong now, you wouldn't be braver. you wouldn't learn something. you wouldn't realize your self-worth and will never learn of self love.
and thats it, you read it right! these is all about self worth and self love. how i learn to embrace them these months ago. well its been i think 5 or 6 months since the tragedy starts, or goes like when it all started to end? :) haha well whatever it was. at least everything now is falling into its proper places. and for once i'm ready to start over. and i think IT"S ABOUT TIME! especially that i know in some circumstances that eagle is starting a new life, without his captivator. and i have to do just that. and i am well ready for that matter.
i now think wisely, practically. and it all started when one day, at the peak heat of afternoon, i was staring at nowhere, thinking back what had gone wrong?? and why was it that hard for me to move on? until it came to my senses. that what happened was plainly normal. never and ever complicated in that matter. it was just that girls feel it was complicated when they're embroiled to that situation. but plainly? it really were all clear and simply goes like these: someone had fallen out of love or realized that theyd never been really in love with that person. (well im stating the obvious now.its about my past love :) ). and somehow, this senses helped me find myself. my worth and what i deserve. most important i realized how stupid did i try to cope up with what happened. but now i am ready to stop all those stupidity. those sleepless night, curled up on bed crying while listening to the melow love songs which makes the feeling even worst and dramatic. those hang overs. those unhealthy eating habit. those no appetite moments. all of these,i say is enough. i needed to dethrone myself from being a drama queen. i say, im all done with these, its very unhealthy and makes me feel ugly which i now realized didnt help to make me feel any better, instead made me feel worst and pathetic for myself. i know i deserve more than this, and at my very young age, there are more that is in store for me. more discoveries that is to unfold. more future surprises that is to be revealed. in time. in god's perfect time. i now know that i deserve more than what i had yesterday. that is if i put the leap of faith all to god. and to me :) i believe that i am worthy of love,of care and more important, of respect. and i need to make myself believe so people would believe me as well. and of course this decisions i make in life wouldn't be possible if not with the help of my family and friends. my support system indeed. who helped me all the way and stood up with me in times that life almost let me down. i thank you all. i wont go on specific names, you know who you are already :)
and as of now, people kept on asking me, "what's your plan next"? "do you have any plans of entertaining guys and are you open to have a new relationship"? and here it is guys. honestly. i dont know yet. but if you are going to ask me of what i feel now..i think i should take a break from cliche stuff of love. it surely feels great to have someone to love and be loved. but the fact is, i need to learn how to love myself first that i think im probably doing now. my plans for the coming days, months, and years is all about myself, my wants, my needs. what and how to pursue my career. one stranger once told me "in time you would realize how it feels to be all out single". no stress brought about you partner. no limits. no boundaries. no one to reconsider your plans but you. you can date all the guys who asks you. you can have so much fun!" and i now realized how important this stranger's advice for me was. at my young age, i shouldn't waste my time fretting into lost ones. i shouldn't be in despair. that i needed to break free and find those scattered pieces of me, and by finding them means discovering new things and people whose going to give a new color in my life. but for now i am down for all of these alone. i wont let anybody take away the bubbles in my life just yet. i will certainly enjoy this life as a single beautiful young lady. and boys????nah sorry. not now, not even tomorrow, nor next year. i even planned to be single until the right one comes along. i dont want to be in a relationship and be hurt all over again. being hurt once and twice is one thing. making it the third time is a different thing. if i am going into relationship again, i want one that will last maybe not forever, but for a lifetime. so i can imagine how long my single life will be. i know it won't always be fun being alone. i know that there will come a time that single-hood will bring dullness and hollowness in my life. but its better than be miserably in love yeah? im done with countless tears, and regrets of the lost ones. i'm down for the new ones that is yet to come. and if you want to be a part of my new journeys, just follow the chapter of my life here :) and so much for this tonight. i am leaving you all with so much love. and here, please get the kisses, hugs and smile i have for you :) you deserve these as much as i do. and oh yeah before i end it, i hope this one could help somehow, in some ways for those who goes through the rough patch of their lives. always believe of god's grace. find the inner peace. the more you love god, the more you will learn of the self love :)
yours warmly,
queenie <3
